my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
