The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
where are you?
Hypothermia
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
