I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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