I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
