My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize