And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize