Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
