im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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