Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
