I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
