my phone needs a breathalizer
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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