Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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