I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
