if only i could text you this smell
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
