On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
