SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
