Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
