He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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