no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
