I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
