If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
