Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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