I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
