theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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