God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
