Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
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