I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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