So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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