the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize