life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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