dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
