Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
