Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
