Your tits are I can't wait for
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
