I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
