dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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