You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
