He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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