so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
