On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the day after is always just damage control
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
