Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Panties = found
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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