I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
