Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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