Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
