We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
