Sry I called you an 8
Just cropdusted the office
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
