apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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