Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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