When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
