Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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