Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
