Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
