i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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