Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
