drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize