life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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