i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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