2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
